How can a Catholic survive a Zombie Infestation?

Since I am going on the current, and more relevant type of Zombie here, let me make this clear. (In other words, your usual, non-religious cult zombie…instead think virus induced Zombie)

List of things that won’t kill a zombie.

Holy Water

Prayers

Crucifixes

The Eucharist (Don’t you DARE throw our Lord to a zombie!!!!)

(Provided of course, that God does not decide to work a miracle through you or these other things, even if they are blessed. If he does decide, realize that you should give thanks for such an epic holy pwning).

Things that will help you kill zombies… (in order from most affective to least affective)

Explosives (provided that the head is nicely incinerated and the brains completely destroyed)

Guns and bullets

Bows and arrows (or crossbows)

Random Objects that can pierce/incinerate skulls. Think nail guns, loaded harpoons, etc.

Things that will help you cope with a zombie attack…in order from most to least affective.

The Eucharist

Prayers (includes the rosary)

Holy Water

Crucifixes

People you want on the trip with you besides the usual suspects…

Priest/s preferably one (or more) that a) isn’t a hippie. b) isn’t a hippie. c)isn’t a hippie. d) looks fockin awesome in a cassock. And is not a hippie.

Nun/s preferably one (or more) who has a habit that allows for quick movement, isn’t a geriatric, and a) isn’t a womyn priest b) isn’t attempting to become a womyn priest c) doesn’t tell you to become a womyn priest. If she goes off on a rant about the Iraq war and ecotheism, there is a 50% chance she may be turning into a zombie. Be ware.

If, by some odd chance, you have the Pope on your team…FREAKING AWESOME. Except that you’ll have to ask him to get out of those ceremonial clothes as its hard enough for Pope Benedict to run around being old. He may even be toting some Swiss guards, which would really help the practical, pragmatic side of surviving a zombie infestation.

Why do you want a Priest? Well, for one thing, you want to confess every single mortal and venial sin ever. Hopefully you do this perfectly (meaning you’re not just doing it to avoid being sent to hell after becoming a zombie’s dinner) but if you don’t do it perfectly at least your soul isn’t quite in the danger it was before. Plus, if he has a cassock, it makes watching him kill zombies all the more cool. Not to mention you could possibly have Mass, Last Rites are a given, and you’ve hopefully got a great moral counselor to help you through the dark times.

Awesome Priest: Also has a cool hat:

http://www.fotosearch.com/bigcomp.asp?path=STK/STK018/LPS4686.jpg

Why don’t you want a hippie Priest? Besides all the attention those nasty tie-dyed vestments will…uh…attract (shudder), you’re going to be listening to sermons about tolerating even the zombies eating your baby sister, all in the name of peace and love. And don’t expect this guy to know how to fire a gun or do anything in the slightest bit violent, as he’ll go off about gun control even as the zombies spit the bones of your baby sister out like so many baby-back ribs. If you absolutely have to, drag him along for at least the benefits of Confession, Mass, and Last Rites. Hopefully everything will still end up valid. Licit will be another matter entirely…

Why do you want a nun? Nuns are super smart. Many have the whole “how to make something from nothing” thing down pat and in addition to being physically fit (if younger) they know how to garden, otherwise known as farming, depending upon the order. Like priests, they also tend to have a high degree of higher learning, which shows discipline Also, if she has a habit that can double as extra bandage wrapping for people. Not to mention she would also look fockin awesome as she pwns zombies, and could be a great spiritual/moral counselor for the team.

http://romancatholicblog.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/nungunone1.jpg Now that’s what I call nunz! I wonder if any of them are also redneck?

Good Nun: No habit, but then again habits can get in the way of important things, like zombie killing.

Why don’t you want a womyn preest nun? Its like the hippie priest, only somehow more annoying. When she isn’t going off on a woman’s right to abort a baby, or becoming a priest, or something equally inane, she will also be spouting off on nonviolence as zombie Grandma attempts to rip out your trachea. Plus, womyn preest nuns tend to be old, and harder to move around. If you have to, take her a long too. Maybe if you tie being able to obliterate zombies as rebelling against the patriarchal order she’ll pick up a gun and do something truly useful. ^_^

Not-so-Good Nun:

http://www.victoriarue.com/images/service1.jpg

Another plus to nuns and priests? No romantic angst drama going around with those celibates. Not to mention the power of the Holy Glare and what it does to prevent more obvious forms of drama.

Moral Dilemmas

If I get bit, can I kill myself to protect others?

Having had it explained to me by a fellow Catholic (I will add her name if she says I can)…not exactly. If your state of mind is already altered at that point to where you must be literally insane, then yes, technically you can do it without getting straight to Hell. However…just how lucid are we after we get bit? If we aren’t truly thinking straight, and we are certifiably going nuts, then we’re fine. But if we’re not? In the end, its in the hands of God. He knows all things and its not for us to know.

My solution: If you get bit, get Last Rites quick as you can, grab yourself a murder weapon, and go on a suicide mission. You will hope to survive and not turn into a zombie, but if you should turn into a zombie you’ll at least have gotten far away from your friends by that time.

Am I responsible for what I do as a zombie?

NO. As a zombie, you have already died- you are dead, and there is no soul in your body at that point. Somehow, your body is still animated, but its more like the nerves in your body have all been set to “eat, murder, maim”. Like possession, you have no control over your body. Since possessions can’t force you to sin, and since eating other people for the sheer fun of it is most likely a mortal sin, its obvious that you aren’t doing anything. The zombie inhabiting your body is.

Is it morally permissible to kill my Grandma, now that she is a zombie?

Your Grandma has died, so no. That is an animated body that doesn’t think, just reacts and eats people. If it helps, think of that nasty life form which has gone beyond sacrilege in inhabiting your Grandma’s body, and how happy your Grandma would be to know you’d murder the crap out of whatever used her body in that manner.

May I shoot my friends if they have been bit by zombies but haven’t turned yet?

Well if you do shoot, for Pete’s sake kill them with one bullet. But no, you can’t. This is like shooting a cancer patient (except most cancer patients don’t try to eat people…unless they’ve become zombies) because the patient will die anyways. Its called euthanasia, and the Church is not a fan of that. However, what you can do is counsel that person to get as far away from everybody as possible, after getting Last Rites and picking up a murder weapon.

What if my friend is 2 seconds away from being a zombie?

I’d still say no…but then, at that point, its up to you to determine if they’re a zombie or not. I’ve noticed there seems to be a short delay in which they seem almost normal…but they’re not. If you’re afraid for your life, and you’re sure that the friend zombie is going to lunge at you, you’re self defending. I’d still discuss it with the Priest afterward if you feel doubtful, at least to just get yourself over it psychologically.

And remember, if you do knowingly shoot a friend well before they’ve turned, and try to claim it was self defense, remember that God knows your intentions, and you can’t wiggle your way out of explaining things.

Other than that, the rules are the same:

1) Head shots

2) No theatrics

3) Shoot to kill

4) Move quickly

and so on and so forth.


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