Veil Part 3

So I’m still struggling and pondering the whole veil thing. My friend Sister Allie (not yet a sister, but hopefully soon!) had mentioned she stopped wearing it because of the distraction.

Good point. I don’t want to feel self conscious all the time during Mass, nor do I particularly like the point and laugh routine people are in. Makes me think uncharitable, if very true things, about them. (Mainly that they’re ignorant.)

And last Mass that Mr. Serrano and I attended, I almost put it on. However, he was pretty disgusted by it (though his words before on the veil had been pretty positive…not sure why that changed so quickly) and when I explained that it was in part because of modesty he pointed out that I’m often not that modest in front of him. (For the record…I’m not.)

So, I put it aside and just went to Mass, but I still feel a strong pull to keep trying it. Maybe for now I’ll just wear it for Adoration. I’ve done that once and it was nice. It helped me focus, nobody else was in the chapel so feeling self conscious was not an issue, and I felt wonderful being feminine in front of Jesus. Its a nice change from the feminist ideal I was raised with- loud, crass, rude, and tacky.

Plus, I really felt as if I were in a private little world with God, and that was a relief. For once my brain was able to calm down and stop shooting observations at me, and just focus on the moment.

But back to the distraction thing…I’m even wondering if I should wear it because people sometimes point and laugh. People also point and laugh if they see someone cross themselves before eating, or if they see them praying outside an abortion clinic, or if they see any sort of public prayer- anything that is religious and sacred gets pointed at, and laughed at.

Perhaps, if people see it often enough, and get to know me and others who veil, they’ll see that something religious isn’t something to be seen as a threat. Of course, they’re going to have to get over their own prejudice and nut up to talk to me, but I think if they see that the veil is not a “oh I’m so holy” sign, and that the woman underneath it is just trying to find a way to make God happy, maybe then they’ll at least not point and laugh, and will appreciate the symbol- even if they choose not to veil.

Going back to the modesty thing…gahhh I believe I mentioned that Mr. Serrano is on the road to getting Confirmed. Like me, he was Baptized, and after his Grandma died, that was the extent of his religious education. I at least got to Communion, but my Grandma died shortly after, and my parents didn’t do a great job of raising me Catholic or even generally Christian.

This means that while I’m poking around the idea of a veil, and delving into some theology, and ranting about the Mormons (*shakes head*…Mormons) I’ve still got holes in my knowledge. Some holes are bigger than others, some smaller.

Just throwing this out there, but what with all the other liturgical silliness going on, I’m guessing I shouldn’t be having a ton of physical contact with Mr. Serrano during Mass. Occasionally I hold hands, and while to me that is just me trying to be comforting to Mr. Serrano, letting him know that I haven’t forgotten him (because I get wrapped up in the Mass) it could also be inappropriate. I’m not sure, but…

I’m thinking that my comforting is turning into a huge distraction for him. Because then he sticks his arm over my shoulder, which is annoying to say the least. For one thing, he’s shorter, so its uncomfortable. For another, while holding hands is one thing I’m unsure about, BUT I’M DANG SURE THAT IS NOT ALLOWED. And then, just because of my anatomy, it gets easier for awkward moments to ensue.

And my concentration, always sketchy at best, wavers. Not to mention it annoys the living crap out of me, and he knows it.

Mr. Serrano, I know you like to kid around and pick on me a bit, but Mass is neither the time nor place. Anywhere else- sure, why not? Its in good fun.

But not in MASS.

Since the alternative is me whacking him with whatever songbook we have (tempting), which would create a lot of noise, I’m making a rule. No touching. At all. If I have to I will leave a foot of space between us when we sit. I’d rather be able to hold his hand during Mass because its wonderful, because I feel like I’m saying to God- meet my boyfriend! However, I’m supposed to be focusing on Christ, really present in the Blessed Sacrament (LITERALLY) not about fuzzy feelings of lurve between my fiance, I, and God.

Plus, I have to remember that he is a man. While for me, a touch conveys comfort, to him I’ve seen that touch can convey a heck of a lot more than comfort…so its best to not do something that could convey a whole lot of near occasion of sin during the Mass.

In addition to all that, since I’m Confirmed, I should be setting a better example. So, no more touching, other than when I get pressured into that awkward hand holding thing with the Our Father.

I miss Japan so much when I pray the Our Father here in Mass. There was no sweaty hand holding, people didn’t literally trip over each other, and things didn’t get awkward until after Mass.

It was nice. ^_^ Man, this is going to be a bumpy road for both of us…

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