Okay, so today I went off on a Mormonism rant. Twice. Sorry, but it just gets my goat that people would believe in such obviously fake stuff. Sweet niblets, it annoys me!
Hehehee family guy.
So guys, turn on “The Legend of John Henry’s Hammer” by Johnny Cash, and gather around to Mormonism in a nutshell.
Hokai, so, God was up in the Celestial Heaven or Kolob, although the Mormons mishies are loathe to mention that particular planet due to God having a previously unknown planet being just a little out there. Its kind of embarrassing, or something. Probably anti-Mormon too.
So, God the Father is up in Heaven, having lots of spirit babies with his white and delightsome wives (yes, white delightsome wives. prolly sexy too.) And at some point out pops spirit Jesus and spirit Lucifer, who for some odd freaking reason are brothers.(And no, the Trinity doesn’t exist…yep.)
Soooo God’s like: Dude! I think we should give these spirits up here in the Celestial realm a chance to go down to this nifty little Earth and inhabit some bodies! And I swear, we didn’t rip this from L. Ron Hubbard (the little bastard got to us before the copyright did…)
And Scottish-Jamaican Lucifer was like : Yeah!!! I like that toooo Daaaad. I got really cool idea Dad! I make all the little peeples down dere worship you and be perfect and stuff, Dad! I force them leetle bahstards ta worship ye’ good! Dey’ll find dere way back dat way Da!
And Swedish Jesus was like : Ya, but no. Brother, we haf to give dem free agency/will or vatever vord you should like, so zat ze leetle people can find zere way back to you, Father.
And God was like: Lucifer, your plan sucks. Also, you’re not nearly as white and delightsome as Swedish Jesus.
And that’s when the shit went down.
There was this big war, and a good part of Celestial Heaven was on God’s side, but then there were a lot of spirits/angels? on Satan’s side, and a whole lot of people in the middle saying,
“Dude, this is not a good trip at all. I am suing the guy who sold me this low quality shit.”
So, Satan and his lot got their butts kicked into The Outer Darkness, which is like Hell only more Twilight Zone. Saint Michael would like to note that he was not mentioned at all in the Mormon version of the War of Heaven.
The people who were a bunch of cottonpicking fence sitters ended up being cursed with skins of blackness (and being lazy, and loathesome)…and eventually were enslaved and would later find terms like cottonpicking to be just a bit insulting to say the least.
Meanwhile, those who sided with Swedish Jesus got pretty, white, delightsome skin and didn’t make God puke when he looked at them. They look like this:
And that is how we all came from the pre-existence. Remember kids, even though God loves the little darkies, they still have that curse of blackness about them! But wait…Civil Rights Era happened at one point so we’re just going to say that we were talking about the state of their souls, and we’ll drop the curse of Cain references…do some PR backtracking and erase all that stuff that we can find….except for the Book of Nephi…shit.
Anywho, Adam sins, somehow ends up becoming God, which means that someday we can all have our own planets (the males anyway) and someday hie to Kolob. Yes, hie to Kolob. But Mishies aren’t going to want to discuss that because they either a) actually haven’t been taught that particular doctrine (Adam-God doctrine) or b) have been told to STFU when discussing that with potential converts. (Saint Michael would like to interject that his name means “Who is Like God?” and that maybe there’s a reason he’s absent from many many Mormon stories….)
And many years afterwards God the father comes down and has sex with Mary to give spirit Jesus a body. Apparently, Mormon God is very sexy. Not sure how Joeseph feels about that, but he doesn’t seem to be mentioned all the time like they do in those evil Catholic churches.
That’s another one Mishies don’t like explaining the particulars to, especially Catholics, who are pretty darn annoyed at that manipulation of scripture.
Jesus does his ministry, is just the son of God but not God, does it great, atones for all of our sins in the Garden and dies on the cross, presumably as icing on the Cake of Suffering.
Things go great until the 3rd century…okay 2nd…okay the year directly after Peter’s death, or whenever those damn Catholics can stop finding documents that support orthodox Christian teaching. We’ll move it as we feel the need for a revelation to come along.
So, after whatever century fits us, there’s a Great Apostasy, and apparently that whole thing about Hell not prevailing against the Church in Matthew was a funny inside joke by Swedish (not Semitic) Jesus. At some point, the Reformation happens, and people almost hop out of Apostasy after leaving the damned ho-bag of Babylon…but end up in Apostasy all over again.
And then…a woodsy boy stumbles upon a great mystery…