Haha, just kidding, it wasn’t the Twilight series.
So, where were we?
Ah yes, Joseph Smith was walking through the forest, picking up the bunnies and well we’re not going to go into that.
And apparently, after going to some sort of revival that was apparently full of people rolling on the ground praising God (probably something Pentecostal, or maybe there was a high amount of epilepsy back in those times) that understandably freaked him out, he went out to the woods to go be emo, like any other 14 year old confused by epileptic women and men trying to outdo each other in the sport of “attention whore”.
And, there are many versions of this story written by Joesph Smith himself, but the one that eventually got accepted way too many convenient years later (after getting a bad reputation for using a seer rock to swindle stupid people out of their money, and finding lots and lots of fake artifacts) is that God or angels or a bright light…
And apparently way back when, Lehi and his “I can’t believe they’re not Hebrew” family traveled through a bunch of cities that never existed in the Old Testament or New Testament for that matter, settled over in the Americas either in the Aztec/Maya civilization or over in New York- wherever there might possibly be more evidence/exoticism.
Or at the least, less people who actually care to do some archaeology.
OH HELLO MEXICO!
Anyway, apparently the Native Americans, who currently are seen as a bunch of Aztecs, but its never really clear which place we’re talking about (NY or México) got visited by Swedish Jesus.By the way, the good Native Americans where white and delightsome while the bad Native Americans were dark, loathesome, and lazy to boot. You know, like the stereotypical Native Americans in the 1800-1900’s.
(Sitting Bull would like to interject that he wants whatever the Mormons were smoking in their peace pipes. He would also like to slap me for adding in such a dumb stereotypical reference, but luckily he’s not capable of that right now.)
Oh wait, that picture doesn’t quite show exactly how it was. Let’s look up some more super-accurate Mormon art!
Oh wait, maybe lets just focus on Swedish Jesus instead of some pimply faced white boy’s mixing of religion and WoW…. Maybe then we’ll find something a little less offe….
So there was this huge battle, because the wicked Lamanites got all uppity, so God made them black.
God: I TOLD YOU ONCE I TOLD YOU A MILLION TIMES, CUT THAT SHIT OUT OR I’M MAKING YOU GUYS DARK SKINNED! BEWARE THE PIGMENTATION! BEWARE THE EVIL MELANIN!!! BEWARRRRRRREEEEE!
Lamanites: Dude, wtf is being done to history here in what’s supposedly in your book? Are we in New York or Mexico? When the hell has there ever been elephants down here and why are Mormon apologists claiming that woolly mammoths were mistaken for elephants WHEN THEY HAVE ALREADY DIED OUT?? Seriously, are you on drugs?
God: Listen, if you guys just pray really hard, I’m sure you feel like its true. Come on guys…just pray. And if you pray enough I’ll be really nice and make you white.
Lamanites: Oh great, so we’ll have a higher chance of skin cancer, but if we stay all dark and loathesome we have to deal with racism.
God: Its not racism if I say it isn’t. HA!
And that, my friends, is how we got the Native Americans. Black people are from Cain/the big fight up in Heaven, and remember, nobody talks about anymore on that subject, because we’re really not racist at all, right? Right?
And, even though the Bible nor Sacred Tradition never confirms that Jesus or Lehi “I can’t believe he’s not a Jew” ever got to the New World, once again Hell prevails and everybody on the American continent aspotasizes. Why Jesus didn’t go preach to the Asians is unknown, but hey what the hell.
Joseph Smith, who starts to become increasingly more like Jesus Smith, gets all this information from the Angel Moroni, doesn’t pay much heed about that whole verse in the Bible about not believing any other Testaments even if they’re given by an angel and goes and makes a whole new Testament.
Which gets hidden by a suspicious wife of one of the early followers (smart smart smart smart smart) so he re-writes it all and everyone still believes him. (dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb)
And he looks through a rock, and the urim and thurim, or the thingermabobers, in a hat, and translates huge egyptian/native american/who knows what into English inspite of a severe lack of education.
IF this sounds kinda like Islam, you may be on to something.
And, at some point he gets ordered by God to have lots and lots of wives, all of who are suspiciously younger than him, and prettier than his first wife, who eventually divorces the philandering bastard prophet.
One of those wives is somewhere between 12-14 years old, which I’m sure was just a spiritual marriage. I’m sure they also had very spiritual, non-forced sex as well. Certainly not statutory rape spiritual sex, anyway.
So, after a Massacre, going ape on a printing press, and other fiascos, not the least of which was marrying a bunch of women who maybe were or were not divorced yet, eventually Joseph Smith ends up in jail and gets his ass shot by a lynch mob.
Of course, that makes him a martyr for his religion. Had nothing to do with him running around acting like an ass, just his religious beliefs.
Which bring you to the modern time. After having many pronouncements on how plural marriage is great (Doctrine and Covenants 132) racism is godly (Nephi, Alma, the entire waste of paper that is the Book of Mormon) or the various punishments for apostasy or marrying a black/mexican/two shades darker than white man/woman (Journal of Discourses, or anything from Bruce McConkie…not sure how to spell that but okay) you also have a couple of handy revelations.
You see, apparently Truth that can never be altered can be revelated again, (yeah, revelate is considered a verb in the Mormon church. So is covenant.) And about the time that Utah was trying to become a state, they had a revelation after a lot of pressure from Uncle Sam about that whole “multiple wives”thing.
Turns out Jesus Smith was mistaken! He really meant that multiple wives only happen in heaven! (No multiple husbands, unfortunately…)
And a few years later, the Civil Rights era hit the US and Mormondom. Up until the 70’s you didn’t see black people in the Mormon church because guess what, Blacks had that curse that kept them from having the priesthood! OH NOES!
Don’t worry, I’m getting a message from the Big Head:
God: Okay…well, I’m sick of the bad PR and I can foresee many many lawsuits in the future….let’s just revelate that Blacks do have the priesthood and never really explain why.
Its a revelation, yeah. Relevate this, lawyers!!!
And that, my friends is Mormonism in an irreverent nutshell. Don’t like it? Good, I hope it made you uncomfortable, and that you wake up at some point.
…(dumb dumb dumb dumb dummmmmmb)