Some things I just don’t understand…

Every so often I start musing/angsting/okay just being emo about the things I don’t understand. Some things, no matter how hard I try, have never made sense to me.

For example- greed and jealousy. That weird, inordinate want for anything and everything at the expense of others. Its horrible- it makes people kill others, it makes enemies out of friends, and its like a monster that eats everything up. While I can see its effects, and while I understand why its wrong, I’ve never really understood why.

Why, when people have enough, not a lot, just enough, do they continue to try filling up their life with more stuff? Is it really as simple as a doubt in God? Is this the reason that the vast majority of Atheists I’ve known have been so over-the-top materialistic, whatever their humanistic tendencies? If they aren’t trying to gain and buy everything around them, they are constantly self applauding (loudly) their own efforts to avoid materialism.

Don’t they understand that when you wave how un-materialistic you are in people’s faces, you’re still being materialistic?

I’ve never found a ton of pleasure in things. Things are cold, dead, easily destroyed or stolen from you. Why want them? Sure, its nice to have a bed, a room (my own is quite nice) carpets, and other such things, but its so much important to me to have a family.

Another thing I don’t understand is jealousy that is envious to the point of being horrible about it. I have some suspicions that a friend (or even friends) have treated me badly (and consequently are no longer friends) because of jealousy. Apparently I’m beautiful, and smart.

Anyone who knows me that I consider myself plain, and a smart ass little nerd. I apologize when people say I look beautiful- and I mean it. I’ve struggled a lot with self esteem issues for as long as I can remember.

Could this be why some people have been so incredibly cruel to me? Because they perceived me as better in some way?

What an odd way to look at things. I always loved having friends that did their own beautiful things- looking nice, or making wonderful things through art, or being incredibly intelligent.

It was pretty rare that I got envious, and it was only envious in the vein of “I wish I could have something *like* that” not “I wish I could have something like that, and why do they think they deserve it….”…

The only person I was ever envious of was my younger brother, but after figuring out that was simply because my crazy mother played favorites, I stopped being envious and actually pitied him. The love that’s there is very conditional- who would want it?

There are some sins I do understand, or at least am much more acquainted with. Lust, pride, and wrath (not the righteous type) are the ones I’m very comfortable with.

I tend to waver on the pride thing, because on the one hand I’ll consider myself practically salvageable (which is pride, albeit a different brand of it) and on the other I have a huge issue with authority. The only authority I don’t argue with (or try not to…hehehee) is the Church. Other than that, all bets are off. And yet I know that that isn’t quite right.

Wrath…well there’s a reason I’m drumming on my keyboard. I have to turn that one into something productive, besides hunting trolls. Does swearing fall under this category?

And then…Lust. Oh baby oh baby. That’s gotta be the hardest sin to get away from, especially the closer I get to my wedding. Its the easiest sin to like, to be teased by. Its like cheese-cake. Very delicious, somehow always manages to make me forgo my diet, and always calling my name….

Actually, gluttony isn’t that much of an issue with me. Used to be, but then I went to Japan. Excellent food, small portions, everything very simple and made to be enjoyed not gorged upon.

But some things I just don’t understand….and I’m not sure if I want to.

Chocolate, strawberries, creamy cheese...*drools*

Lusty, sinful cheesecake never looked so good...


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