I’m going to be very open about this-very open, since this is the internet. I know not a lot of people visit this blog, but for the few who do, I’d like to give some hope and share my struggle with this topic.
Also, I’d just like to get this off of my chest, and get it out on virtual paper.
This post is for people who are virgins, not virgins, those waiting for marriage to have sex, and those considering possibly waiting, and for those who don’t intend to wait at all, and for those who think they’ll never be loved because they can’t put out.
For one thing, if he or she says they can’t love you because you don’t have sex, then he or she doesn’t love you now and never will. They lust for you, but that’s about it.
But its so tempting, isn’t it? So very, very very tempting.
Because even though you’re worried about an unplanned pregnancy (please get help from organizations who won’t force you towards abortion) or about a possible STD, you still want to.
Here’s a little secret- even those of us waiting until marriage are struggling- and it is emotionally painful. Seriously, its a baptism by fire, burning burning burning fire.
The other night, Mr. Serrano and I had a talk about the sex thing. We’ve been going out for maybe 3 years and we still have not had sex. Mr. Serrano understands me, but at the same time he really wants to share it with me. He does want it to be special, he does love me, and he’s afraid that we’ll wait too long.
We love each other very deeply, and we have an amazing relationship.
When I was about 15 I made a promise that I would not have sex until marriage- and that God would hopefully send me just one guy to live my life with. I am not a fan of serial dating like many of my friends. I get far too involved with the guy, easily fall into love, and I didn’t want my heart to be broken.
The result of my promise is that for all of my years in high school, and a good portion of time in college, I never had a date, much less a boyfriend. It was lonely, painful, and sad. The first question asked of me when I went to a “Catholic” college was if I was a virgin or not. I was 19 at the time, and although its nobody’s business unless I feel like telling, I admitted it.
I was treated as if I were something shameful. (Yeah, we sure have come a long way from viewing women as sex objects, right? Now everybody is a sex object.) Word got around, and I was told by a guy that “if a girl hasn’t had sex by 18, she isn’t fuckable“.
100 years ago, if you weren’t virgin you weren’t worth anything. 100 years later, if you aren’t having sex all over the place, you aren’t worth anything. Thanks a lot feminist movement!
Eventually, I felt as if nobody would ever love me. All these guys would only look at me (and I am a pretty good looking woman, not gorgeous or anything but definitely quite far from ugly) because they thought I’d have sex with them, and as soon as they caught the vibe that I wouldn’t, I’d not only be abandoned I’d be insulted.
You aren’t adult if you don’t have sex. What a stupid stupid lie. Thank God I didn’t fall for it- but it would be very easy to fall for it even now. Very easy.
I’m not saying I’ve remained completely chaste, I’ve definitely bent some rules with Mr. Serrano, and I know I’m going to have to answer for that sooner or later.
But here’s the thing we’ve been together for years, and we still haven’t had sex- our relationship is still strong- and we’re considering marriage!
I found somebody who would love me- even if I didn’t do what everybody else does! REALLY! He loves me for who I am, not for the skill in which I wield my vagina. We have an awesome relationship, and you don’t need sex to make an awesome girl/boy friend pair.
Does that mean it isn’t difficult, or that we don’t come pretty darn close to breaking that promise?
Of course not- we struggle with it, it can get angsty sometimes, and at times we both wonder why the hell we’re putting ourselves through this.
In fact, Mr. Serrano asked me that question- why are we putting ourselves through this?
After thinking about it an entire night, here’s the answer:
When I made that promise to God, it was a promise to myself as well. This is the one promise I haven’t broken (although its been close) and honestly, I think this promise is less to God than it is to myself. Why? Every other promise that I’ve made to God has been broken. Every single one. But this promise is something I made to myself, subconsciously, and that makes it different.
Why did I make this promise to myself to wait until marriage to have sex? At the time that I made it, I was only thinking about a deal with God or something. I don’t have sex, he provides me with a guy to love me. It was kind of pathetic, at first sight. BUT even though this promise was to me, God was involved, and I’m realizing that there was a deeper meaning to the promise.
I was promising not so much to honor God, but to honor me. That is not something I’m used to doing- I don’t really have the world’s greatest self esteem. I honored myself with that promise, because what is really at the heart of it is this:
I do everything in my life to make others happy. I always do my best, and the best reward I can ever receive is a smile or laughter. Seeing someone else happy automatically triggers a happy response in me. For my entire life until I was 15 I LIVED to make others happy. I cleaned the house, I fixed the house, I attempted to do the bills, I tried to be the best big sister who had too much on her shoulders, I got good grades, I was the “perfect” girl who at 12 acted and lived as an 18 year old. And for my entire life it wasn’t appreciated, even if it got noticed. It isn’t even remembered by anyone. I was treated badly by one parent who emotionally abused me, and another who didn’t stop the abuse. Something in me broke that year, I’m not even sure why, but I finally said-
Why can’t I be happy too?
So I decided there would be a line, and ONE thing which I would never sacrifice to make anyone else happy. In order to survive in my house I’ve had to sacrifice time, good health, love, and anything else that comes to mind. But I was getting older and more adult, and thankfully I was starting to realize that someday, I’d be free.
Someday I’d leave that dump of a house with the miserable people inside, and go make my own life. I decided that I, and only I, would decide where that life was going to take me.
I know I’ve always wanted a real family. A real husband, and me a real mom, and real kids- yes I know that even great families have trouble, but I do not want to repeat what I lived. I can’t do that again.
I know that if I were to have sex before marriage, instead of jumping in head first, abandoning that old life, with joy, happiness, and of course some lust, it wouldn’t go quite right.
Because while the majority of what I would feel would be happiness, satisfaction, joy, all that is good, there would be this tiny part of me that would be saying….
“Yes, you had better do this or he won’t want you anymore.” And that tiny part of me would ruin everything. Way back in my head, all I would be able to think would be that if I don’t sacrifice this part of me, he won’t want me.
Which would lead to,
If I won’t sacrifice this part of me, he won’t want me. If I have to sacrifice this part of me to make him happy, what more can I give him? What else shall I have to give? What if its not enough? What if the sex isn’t enough? What if I’m not good at sex?
And that voice would get worse, and never shut up. Maybe our relationship could survive it, but it would a rough couple of months.
Even the strongest relationships are fragile. Beyond that, for me, sex is that point where I totally leave my old life behind. The little girl who did all she could to please everybody is no longer going to exist in the present tense. I’m going to die that day, and it will be the best death ever.
I’ll still be me, I’ll still have that urge to please, but it won’t be that weird, unhealthy, conditional urge to please that desires love so badly that I’d sacrifice myself to have it.
Beyond that, I don’t want to have sex in the house I grew up in. Bad memories lie there, and what’s more I’d like some privacy. I don’t want to have sex in his house- I’m not welcome there, as the white girl who is dating a Mexican. I don’t want to have sex in the car- how disgusting! And uncomfortable. Seriously uncomfortable. Most of all, I don’t want to have to lose my virginity in a hotel, knowing that I have to return back to my old life as soon as the night is over.
And then there’s babies, babies that I so dearly want to have, but know that I better have a place to live. That they’re going to need their father. That I need to graduate college so that I can help support the family. That I don’t want them to be influenced the same way I was with my parents.
And the sex itself…seriously, taking pills that mess with my natural cycle? Pills that can increase my risk for cancer, or that I might unknowingly abort a newly conceived baby, and don’t even work all the time anyways? (Living proof right here!)
Or condoms? This is gross, but really who wants a nasty latex sheaf keeping you from the one you supposedly love? I’d rather feel absolutely every sensation possible.
I’m probably going to be a freak in bed, but I’m probably going to be an au naturel freak in bed. When I lose my viriginity, with all the awkwardness that comes, I want to be able to feel everything, and I want to jump into it because its something I’m doing to make me happy. Not in a selfish way, but in a way that says I can give myself to him entirely without that nasty voice. I want to do it in a way that expresses love and contentment, not some stupid desire to please.
I still haven’t lost my virginity (and I don’t judge those who have) and I don’t intend to until marriage, but I know its going to be a hard battle that Luis and I will have to fight. And we might end up having sex before marriage.
I only hope that if that happens our relationship can survive.
If you’re someone who’s struggling with this, too, realize that there is someone out there who will love you whether or not you have sex right away. That someone might get frustrated, and you will too, but you aren’t the only ones struggling. Its hard, but worth it. DON’T give away SEX in order to have LOVE- it won’t happen. Sex is an expression of love, and its not the other way around. If someone says they won’t date if you won’t have sex with them- forget that person, because that person is thinking about themselves and their sexual needs- they aren’t considering you other than as an advanced, talking sex toy.
I mean that for both men and women. There are some virgin men out there who are REAL MEN, not pathetic, not childish, but real men who actually respect other women. There are also real men who ARE NOT virgins, yet would still wait for the woman they love, whatever their sexual history. The important thing is to respect yourself, and the person you love, because the second you don’t respect them you lose that love, and it will take forever to repair it.
I hope this helps some people who stumble here.