Have I tackled this before?

Okay, so I’ve mentioned several times that I’m getting married to Mr. Serrano. Because writing all the reasons I want to marry him would make the world go into dry heaves, I’m going to tackle one issue.

I am unofficially engaged.

How does that happen? Well, to use a phrase which normally means “I’m whoring myself out to one or ten people” its very complicated.

Firstly, Mr. Serrano has not gone down on his knees with a ring. 1) We don’t have any money. 2) Mr. Serrano is drugged with Machismo, which says he has to talk to my Dad first.

So why don’t we just get it over with, and talk with him? Well, here’s a list to start:

  • The wedding won’t happen until 2012. Its 2010 now.
  • My parents are crazy
  • My parents are crazy, and neither I nor Mr. Serrano have our own places.
  • No, its not because we’re lame. Mr. Serrano has a full time job (more than full time) he is just having issues finding a place.
  • My parents are crazy.
  • Did I mention my parents are crazy?

Most of the time, I’m not supported in anything by my parents, other than in that, “Oh, you can go destroy your life if you want to, since its your life.” And while I can handle that message, I’d like to not have to hear it every single time I start feeling happy about getting married. Which is exactly what would happen.

Me: Hi! OMG I saw the most amazing dress on David’s Bridal and I think it could be cheap!

Dad: Have you done A,B, or C yet? Do you even know how much it costs? Why are you even bothering with a marriage? Don’t you know it will cost a lot? Why haven’t you dated other guys? Its not that I don’t think you can do it but I don’t think its a great idea. Is the Church pushing you into this? You know that if you want to have sex you can just do it you don’t need the Catholic Church’s permission, right? You will at least use birth control, won’t you?

Me: Um, yeah…  *begins to zone out* *drools*

Dad: *repeats everything he just said, gets annoyed when I’m obviously shutting down* Are you listening?

Me: Sure. Wait…the Church wants me to use Birth Control???

This wouldn’t be so much of a problem except the tone of voice, and the frequency of it being said. Yes, he’d just be “worrying” for me, but his worrying takes the form of constant, belittling nagging that makes me feel an inch tall. Constant, never-ending, nagging. At the same time that he’s always said I was so intelligent, he spends a lot of time showing me that I’m more of a pendeja than he’s willing to say.

Not to mention, We’re having this wedding in Mexico. And its going to be a real, Catholic wedding, and if there is any way possible I’m so having it on December 8th (Its a Saturday, I checked). Both of those things will annoy my family very much. The first one understandably. Its a long trip, Mexico isn’t all that safe, they know ZERO Spanish, and my mother has very little heat tolerance. (I/E fries upon contact with the sun.)

The second problem is my being Catholic. I’ve actually made “suspicious noises” to get them to think that I have up and lost my V-card, because that honestly makes them feel happier. They raised me to be a progressive, heretical, condom wielding, birth control popping feminazi of a Catholic, and they didn’t get a good return on their investment.

Obviously.

I already know they don’t like it that Mr. Serrano is interested in doing Catholic stuff. Of course, it must be me. Nobody ever chooses to be Catholic, right? Especially men.  I’ll admit, I have been kind of pushy but that is for 2 reasons.

  1. He gave me permission to be pushy, and actually requested it.
  2. Because he better know that when he marries me, he basically marries my Church too.

Oh yes, I asked the man for permission. ^_^

So, as Mr. Serrano put it, this wedding is going to be “una patada en sus culos” or, a kick in the ass.

And the truth is, they are going to be told. I’m not going to elope, but I’m also not going to give them two years to wear me down to the point where I’m seriously considering doing just that. Sometime in December 2011, we’re going to let them know, because we figure we’ll have a ring and some balls by then. Also it *may* help that Mr. Serrano will be able to speak some English (I hope).

And I’m not kidding, my parents are crazy. If the V-card subject does come up (or birth control, or condoms) and I’m honest about it, the follow up question shall be, “But if you haven’t had sex with him how do you know you should get married to him?”.

And something tells me that answering “You guys…penises are not like shoes. You don’t keep trying them on until you find one that fits right.” or “You don’t have to try every flavor in the candy shop to know that you like chocolate” or “sexual compatibility only really has meaning when one considers that the two must be freely married heterosexual people, not just somebody you ran into at a bar” might cause a family feud resulting in me being disowned.

 

…………….resulting in me being disowned. HEYOOOO I’ve got my solution!…………………

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