Retards: Identification and Classification

As I said before, retards are easy to find. The trick is not to spot one, because frankly you can throw a rock in any direction in any populated place and chances are you would murder the crap out of him or her.

But how do you classify these easily found retards? The answer is found in these questions:

  1. How profound is the retardation?
  2. Is it temporary, or permanent?
  3. Is it life threatening, frustrating, merely annoying, or easily ignorable?

Let’s cover #1- Some retards aren’t as retarded as others. In fact, some retards are selectively retarded. A great example of selective retards are those who are only retarded when drunk, or who occasionally do something so retarded they are remembered years afterward. These types of people are only mildly retarded, and can be found in random places.

However, profound retardation is much more frustrating to deal with. Those with profound retardation often inexplicably end up in positions of power. Perhaps the monster is your boss, your professor, a politician, or the leader of your country. While they might be verbally quite advanced, when it comes to thinking, common sense, and basic existence they are retards. For example, we have a President that seems to think socialism/communism works. Never mind that there isn’t a single incidence of that actually working for longer than it takes for all the money to run out- he thinks it works. (But makes damn sure he doesn’t call it that…). Or, you could have the President of another country, namely Mexico, who goes on international television to proclaim that all of Mexico’s problems are results of the US. Or, you could just have that one stupid professor who consistently grades you not on you merits but on A) How well you can kiss ass, B) How sycophantic you can become, C) How well you can kiss ass, D) How well you can kiss ass.

For question #2) things get tricky.

Retardation can be temporary- for example, some people are only retarded as soon as they get into their cars and drive. These retards make the world difficult for others by doing things like talking on the phone while driving, texting while driving, cutting you off, attempting to cut you off, tailgaiting, or in general just acting like an asshole. Luckily, once they get out of the vehicle, they lose their retardation, and gain a brain. Hurrah.

Permanent retardation, on the other hand, is often profound and consistent. Permanent retards seem to be found in academia, or positions of authority- for example police. They’re the teachers who yell at 7 year olds because the poor kid is too entrenched in poverty to bring a jacket to school, the professors with tenure who spend a language class bitching about their man troubles (and glorifying feminism, liberalism, and whatever other ism that is in vogue), or the average freshman who will tell you to go vote but won’t actually do it his or herself.

Unfortunately, many police seem to be in the permanently retarded category. While there are smart policemen, they seem to be in the minority.These are the idiots out in BFE who follow behind tailgate with their high beams boring a hole in your skull, then pull you over and make cute remarks about Taco Bell…but it has nothing to do with your obviously Mexican boyfriend riding with you. Examples of the profound retardation of many police can be found here:

Exhibit A Exhibit B Exhibit C

#3 is very important when considering HOW to deal with a retard. The more power that a retard has, the more that retard will annoy you. Conversely, the less power a retard has, the more the retard will try to get noticed. Maybe its the 89% of people at NPR, that stupid freshman who wants to be “edgy” by wearing black, disrespecting profs, and generally just being an idiot, or maybe its that one old redneck who bitches and moans about all “them damn Mexicans comin’ cross and stealin’ all our jobs” as he stinks up the place with the stench of booze, unwashed arse, and idiocy.

All retards are annoying but some you can ignore. The redneck? Ignore. The freshman? She’ll drop out. NPR? Just point and laugh. Obama? Don’t be such a retard and next time don’t vote him in. Until then….

Remember that you can’t legally kill retards, that stupidity is still not against any law (other than sanity) and that sometimes, the retard is the one holding your check.

If you’re feeling inundated with retards lately…feel free to blog.

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Filed under and other fun stuff, Political, Random

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