Along with talking about all the wonderful things Mr. Serrano want to do for our wedding, including rings, dresses, booze, parties, priests, marriage classes, and the awesome benefits of mating without event a hint of birth control pills or penis-constricting condoms, we’ve come to the discussion of where we want to live after Mexico.
One thing Mr. Serrano is sure of now, is that there is no way we’re coming back to Small Town USA, or Stusa for short.
- The Police. Ever wanted to know what its like to have an unofficial curfew of 10 o’clock, because that’s when all the police in town decide you shouldn’t be allowed to leave the house? Ever wanted to be stalked, with the brights on, for daring to do that? Ever wanted to be pulled over multiple times for no reason- except that your boyfriend looks a little brown and “suspicious”? Do you like being glared at constantly, and having racist jokes thrown your way? Welcome to Stusa, Michigan.
- We’re Catholic. That means between the 1st 1st 1st no really 1st Baptist church, the Christian Reformed, The Bible Believers (since they’re the only ones who believe in the Bible, duh!) and the Jehovah’s Witnesses, we’re never going to have a Saturday morning to ourselves. Our kids will also be ostracized and peer pressured to give up their faith. It happened to me, and things don’t change.
- We’re Catholic, and we’re mixed race. So the one Catholic Church in town is probably not going to allow us into their clique. Also, that means the Jehovah’s Witnesses will really fear us, which will make them want us. When knocking repeatedly on our door fails, they’ll put up signs close to our yard, like this one:
- Things don’t change. That dumb old cliché about how everyone returns to their old hometown and loves that its just like it ever was is just that- dumb. Because things don’t change in my town, mullets are still mildly acceptable, the nineties have just managed to hit, FRIENDS gets quoted at highschool graduations, and remarking that N****rs should be strung up from the football goal posts in public is only a mild (if that) scandal. In Stusa, highschool never ends, and the parents join in on all the little power-plays their kids engage in, because deep down they know that highschool really is as good as its going to get for them.
- I am still a nerd. It doesn’t matter that I’ve been to Japan, that I can speak 4 billion languages, and that I can cure AIDS with my golden tears, and that I’ve graduated from college. In fact, that will probably make me an “intellectual” which is simultaneously the biggest word and worst insult that can be hurled right here in Stusa. Case in point: there actually was a garage band that got out of Stusa, and made it big in Europe. The response from some old guy? “I don’t care what them damn Europeans think, they’re still worth nothin’ here in Stusa. They were worth nothin’ in highschool and they’re worth nothin’ now.”If I think I had it bad here in Stusa, think of my future Catholic, mixed race, intelligent future children. Not only will they have that, everyone knows who the mommy is, and all the other backbiting Stusa mommies know that they can use their kids to be mean to my kids. Yes, that really does go on.
- Commuting: Sweet niblits, its 4.00 and more for gasoline due to whatever excuse the oil companies can dream up. It takes at least 45 minutes of driving to get anywhere with jobs, and then since its Michigan you have to deal either with 30 gazillion inches of snow, or fat construction workers. Add to that the fact that Michigan drivers are C-R-A-Z-Y and you have a happy little murder fantasy waiting to happen.
- Your white trash neighbors are going to steal/vandalize something from your yard. Got gas cans hidden in your barn, for when you need to mow the lawn? Have a tacky lawn ornament? Got a mailbox that is tasteful and decorative? Got white trash neighbors? Time to get a big furry creature with lots of teeth, called a dog.
- Your upper-middle class neighbors are going to annoy the crap out of you. They don’t know how to burn leaves so that the field, the woods, and their house doesn’t go with them. They go running, and become terrified the second they see your dog, who’s about as threatening as a kitten. Then they try to sue you, because your dog was “threatening” them by laying out in the sun. They also try to sue the pig farm nearby, because they hate the smell. Then they’ll hack apart your pretty little dirt road because the branches scare them when they’re trying to drive 60 miles an hour. Speaking of which, they’ll try to pave that road, since their overly expensive car is getting muddy. And when you find their lost dog and return it to them at their house, the kids will be terrified and lock all the doors. Because you mustbe a pedophile.
- The “educators” are retarded. This might be a universal, but seriously…Sex ed convinced me that a yeast infection could only be caused by sex. Not, like, you know, a hormonal imbalance. A teacher had the entire class convinced (because she believed) that Steven Hawking is a character off of the Simpsons. The principal is an old, fat, jock who does a great job of letting the football team drink all the underage booze they want to, so that someday they can become old, fat, jocks just like him. The literature teachers are all about providing a counter-balance to the supposed conservative nature of the school by indoctrinating you against anything even remotely conservative. Also, every single book you read will be about “Why White People Suck” or “Why Catholics suck”. And somehow, prayer before school is tolerated…but only if its lead by a non-denominational group or a Protestant.
- There are no black people. One time, I saw a Muslim woman at the grocery store. I kind of wanted to go over and say, “Hi, I’m Catholic. If you need any help scaring these people away from you that your hijab isn’t already doing, I’ll be glad to wave a rosary and chant some Latin.” People were glaring at her. There is no diversity in Stusa, and people like it that way. Everybody is white, and it looks pretty darn Aryan too. There’s no neat cultural events, no new books (nobody reads above an 8th grade reading level anyway) no nothing. Occasionally we get some Amish, who seem to be terrified of everyone else. Maybe we’ll drag them to hell with our women wearing slacks or something.
Biggest reason to hate Stusa? Even Jesus hated his Stusa. Or his Stj.