No, there isn’t (to my knowledge) anyone I know named Father Caffeinator. That’s just my name for the wonderful priest who did I and Mr.Serrano’s interview. If you met him, you would understand. He’s old. But his energy is WOW. Maybe incense really is Catholic crack or something, or so says Sister Allie.
However, I’d like to write a quick letter (that hopefully I will be able to say) to Father Caffeinator.
Dear Father Caffeinator,
Thank you so much for being understanding and not judging us (while still being truly Catholic the whole way through) and for having the grace to realize we were scared of this interview. You shared a bit about your personal life, and it really helped. THANK YOU.
However, I need to clarify something. I don’t believe I was very clear about a particular question. I was afraid you’d get this idea that I’m a saint, or that I think I’m a saint. I’m not. I swear, I’m lazy, rebellious at times, and its not unheard of for me to miss Mass. Because I’m lazy. And sleepy. And the bed is realllllyyyy comfortable. Yes, that isn’t an excuse.
However, when you asked if I was a practicing Catholic, here is what I wanted to say: Father, I have a shrine in my room. Almost half the shrine is images of Mary. I do know exactly what happened at Fatima, and it scares the crap out of me reading the prophecy because I don’t think we’re done yet. I also have basically turned my cubicle at work into a shrine. I have so many medals I’m going to start giving them away. I have 4 rosaries, and struggle praying the rosary due to a) laziness, and b) ADHD. I have holy water on my mini shrine. However, there are two hanging on my rear view mirror and I’m not sure if that is okay with the Church but they are a huge comfort to me when driving. Especially since my area is crawling with demons. Yes, I just said demons. Demons are just fallen angels with a big, stupid, idiotic bone to pick with God and also happen to want to drag me down to Hell. Speaking of which, I LOVE the Saint Michael prayer after Mass. WE NEED IT BADLY. I watch EWTN all the time, or at least when the creepy children’s programs from other countries don’t come on. (Its the dubbing. The dubbing and interpretation needs to get better and less creepy.) When I get super worried, I start praying parts of the Divine Mercy prayer. I read NCR (National Catholic Register) and I get the urge to burn almost every copy of NCR (National Catholic Reporter) that I see. I have actually considered burning some books (even though I’m rather against censorship in most cases) especially the “Catholic Girl’s Guide To Sex”. Please don’t read it. Its depressing, sick, and does a great job of degrading women and teenagers into nothing more than sex toys with the ability to sometimes think. I go to Adoration a lot more than the average 20 something, I’ve written a letter to Mother Angelica (concerning LOL cats, of all things), and I’m obsessed with collecting theology books. If I could, I’d get a degree in theology. I actually take the Pope seriously, and I love both JPII and Papa Bene. I’ve actually read their stuff. And I wasn’t forced to. I go to Mass at your parish because for once I actually feel like I’m in a real Catholic church building, and because this is a very Catholic community. Not to mention I haven’t seen much (if any) of the following: holding hands during the Our Father, pointing and laughing at women in veils, guitars, liturgical craziness, girls with “shorts” I’m sure I saw sold at WalMart as underwear, gay pride buttons, etc. I also haven’t heard: adlibbing the Mass to the point where I have to sit down and think really hard about what the difference is between invalid and illicit, clapping, and anything even smelling of condescension. I’m also struggling with the difference between irreverence and funny. I feel really bad about not giving a lot during Mass, and I really really really want to do something to help out- I just don’t know where I fit in. Did I mention the veils? I like them. I’d like to wear them more often. And when I have daughters, I’d love for them to have the option of wearing them. Speaking of daughters, Mr. Serrano and I don’t want to use contraception. We’d love to learn about NFP though, especially since it’d be nice to know what all those dumb SEX IS AWESOME/LEARNING ABOUT YOUR BODY IS A PROLIFE LIE avoided telling me about my own body that I supposedly have so much control over. I went to March for Life last year, and I spent almost the entire time in the Shrine, pretty much getting high off of Jesus, Mary, the Saints, and all of the beautiful habits EVERYWHERE. I am a revert, so I’m rough on the edges. Catholic etiquette is something I fail at consistently. I have to go to Confession every week because that’s about how often I fall into mortal sin, and even if I weren’t, I’d still be going because mortal sin is remarkably easy to fall into. By the way, its embarrassing to have to admit the same, freaking, annoying mortal sin EVERY WEEK, but I’m doing it. I’m also going to Mass, and even when I was mired in mortal sin and afraid to go to Confession I STILL went to Mass. Except for when I was lazy. And yes, I’ve definitely confessed that. I have no idea what a practicing Catholic is, for me, personally. Do you mean someone who isn’t creating Epic Catholic Fails all over the place or someone who is giving it her best shot? Hopefully you mean the second option. All I can tell you is that, yes, I’m “practicing” in the sense that I’m trying as hard as I can some days and failing entirely on others, but overall I’m as much in love with my faith as I am Mr. Serrano. I’m obsessed with all things Catholic, and the Church is the one place I’ve been able to call home.
Yeah…Lol now hopefully I don’t get some “progressive” (what an oxymoron there) Catholic who decides to take this little letter and run with it, claiming that I must be close to tolerant or something. Either that or a “see? Practicing Catholics are obsolete”. I think not. If I’m not a practicing Catholic yet I’ll just spend the rest of my life attempting to be one.
Also, it was really fun asking the question about whether or not Mr. Serrano and I are able to have babies. “You don’t know until you try!”. rofls…I think Fr. Caffeintaor just about died….