Tag Archives: Condoms

Babies. ALL THE BABIES!

This one might come as a shock to some of you who know me. I mean, I’m all pro-life, sick of contraception and its stupid culture, and ranting about unleashing my Catholic mini-minions upon the world as I laugh in the face of Planned Barrenhood. (Oh yeah, I just cliched that sentence to alarming levels. Kewl.)

However, in spite of all that, I’ve been a little terrified of actually having babies. No, not the physical act. That’s scary, but my body was made to do that. Biology is yucky, and that’s why I’m not a scientist. (that and my infernal arch nemesis, aka mathematics).

Nope, what I’m terrified of is having a baby, like RIGHT on the wedding night, BOOM I’m preggers. This could be because of the messages I’m getting from friends, family (the same ones that said I should “let loose” or rather, have lots of “protected” sex) and the culture around me. Here’s a few things that have been bouncing in my head for years, and have been repeated to me as soon as I mention I’m getting married.

  1. BABIES WILL RUIN YOUR MARRIAGE OMG 1!1!!!1!!!
  2. Don’t have babies in the first two years, spend the time “getting to know each other”.
  3. Wait to have kids, or you’re an idiot.
  4. Don’t have kids at all, they’ll ruin your bank and relationship.
  5. If you are constantly getting pregnant, no employer will hire you.
  6. Children are too expensive omg!!!
  7. Wait until you’re financially secure, with a good job, possibly tenure at some place, and when the stars align in the third ring of Jupiter’s uncle’s mother’s sister’s great auntie, then you can have kids.

So, in desperation, I turned to prayer. I say desperation, because I’m a stubborn individualist. I think sometimes God is amused, but other times he just sits and sighs. After a while, God got some reason through to me and helped me figure out a few things.

  1. Its not kids that ruined your marriage, its you and your husband/wife. Kids don’t ask to be conceived, they don’t choose their parents, and they cannot possibly handle all of your adult problems. Simply put, quit projecting your marital problems on *me* and your own kids!
  2. “Getting to know each other” is just your way of saying “use birth control”. I can think of no better way to quickly know your spouse than pregnancy, and no better way to deny your spouse than using some messed up hormonal pill or a condom that apparently doesn’t feel so good. Holy crap, I just want to have some natural sex. Can’t you supposedly “organic” snooty people let me have some wholesome, natural, organic, sex?
  3. Kids don’t cost so much if you wouldn’t buy designer clothes they’ll never appreciate or want. At this point, you’re spoiling yourself on vanity.
  4. If an employer will discriminate against you for being a pregnant woman, your employer is a pig. A sexist one. That employer will probably also try to get you to choose some company that will lay you off quicker than you can say “unfair labor practices” over your family.
  5. There is no right time to have a kid, in our own time. However, in God’s time, the time to have a kid is always perfect. 

I kid you not, I’m not nearly so nervous about the idea as I was before. Getting pregnant soon into my marriage will be difficult, but pregnancy is difficult. And I’m not kidding about the raw sex. The more I learn about condoms and birth control, the more I really don’t like them. If I’m going to sit here and insist on real glass for my drinks, and avoid teflon, and try to buy local with my fruits and veggies and what-not, why the HELL would I take a birth control pill and screw up my hormones? As far as I know, I don’t need it medically, so why should I think about using something my body doesn’t freaking need? And it doesn’t take a non-virgin to know that condoms are not as comfortable as they should be.

And hell, it all sounds so unsexy. Seriously, how would it heighten the moment to pause, roll on a condom, grab some extra lube since Señorita V can’t keep up against plastic dryness, and FINALLY have sex? And then you have to worry about breakage, or slippage, or if one of you might have a previously undiagnosed latex issue (I knew a guy with it once. Quite hilarious, as he was the campus creeper as well. Guess how he found out? LOLZZZ) or any of all that.

Contrast that to kissing, touching, saying whatever the hell it is couples say to eachother, hopefully good foreplay, and then just going forth and multiplying?

Now I just gotta work on my repsonses to people when they tell me all the BS about The Pill and Condoms.

Hey, if they want to give me unsolicited awkward as shit advice, I’ll be happy to give them a session of TMI. I suspect I’ll get extra points after I get married, because then I can let them know EXACTLY how I feel.

Muahahahhaahahahaha. This is going to be like that stupid prof who wanted to know why I had had to leave class for 5 minutes, and explaining “the bathroom” just wasn’t enough for her. Let’s just say Profe never asked about my bodily functions again.

 

 

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