I am an undercover fiancee. However, I blow my cover all the time- to the wrong people. I tell the internet, my hair stylist, my friends, and random strangers on the bus that I’m getting married.
We are saving money, and have even transferred it to a bank account.
All of Mexico probably already knows.
The police even know.
But my entire family does not- most especially my parents in particular.
Ohhh don’t get me wrong. I’m sure they know unofficially- I’ve been dating Mr. Serrano for 3 years now, and its obvious we love each other. So it probably won’t come as a surprise- or will it?
The thing is, I think I tell everyone but them right now because its like some sort of a confession. I feel guilty, I feel like I should be able to tell them everything, and I know some people consider me to be some sort of sniveling little child for failing to do so. (I’m looking at *you* Office Queen). As fast as I announce my marriage, I follow it up immediately with the obligatory information that my family doesn’t know.
And the thing is, with a normal family this is something that I would have told months ago. Mr. Serrano and I would both love to break the silence, and announce our engagement. In a normal family, this would work out.
But I don’t have a normal family. I have an emotionally abusive mother who was physically abusive in the past, and Hell itself will either freeze or thaw before she finally admits even to herself that she was so. I have a father that is submissive, and follows that carrot of sanity dangled on a stick- he hopes and hopes that someone, something will save her, be it the Mormons or psychiatric drugs. Both of them feed off of misery and stress, and I honestly think that they don’t see themselves as living if they aren’t suffering.
People wonder why I can be so negative. My family is the answer. Its rather difficult to develop positive views when you’re constantly bombarded with negative ones, even the negative ones that are dressed up to look positive. People wonder why I can laugh at absolutely anything- again, my family is the answer. If all your positives were negatives in disguise, you’d have to grab a sense of humor to survive.
If I were to tell my parents right now, they’d have very good reasons against getting married. Financial stability would be a major roadblock, and it is a major roadblock, and it would be brought up. I’m still living with these people! The reasons wouldn’t be too far off. For some people, I could see how it would worry them that Mr. Serrano is my first long-term relationship. I wouldn’t agree (seriously, do I need to try every flavor in the ice-cream shop to know that chocolate covered lemon in a small cone with rootbeer is my favorite?) but I could see the reasoning.
What I would not be able to handle would be the constant flow of negativity. I will never make my parents happy. At least, I will never please them if I follow my heart. I know that they will criticize everything down to how much I pay for a dress to the fact that I haven’t had sex yet (although I’ve purposely made suspicious noises which has taken off the pressure slightly). The more I discern marriage, the more I realize that my values are completely different from my parents’.
I believe in waiting for sex until marriage, marrying in the Church, that marriage is actually worth something, and that I shouldn’t limit the number of children I have by using contraception. I believe in marrying sooner rather than later, that marriage is a spiritual partnership, that the man is the head of household, and that my worth has nothing to do with the dollar signs I trail behind my name. I believe that unlike my parents, Mr. Serrano and I are going about this the right way. We are discerning, talking, discussing children, finances, education, religion, and family.
We are not screwing like bunnies, making “oopsies” and then discussing those things well after conception has occurred. We’re doing pretty damn well, although I honestly would appreciate advice. Can’t say I’ll follow it, but food for the brain is delicious to the soul. I know that on some level, my parents are just wanting the best for me, but the way it comes out is often patronizing, and quite frankly humiliating.
So, hopefully, Mr. Serrano and I will announce it this July or December- whichever month has at least one of us living on our own. Who knows, I might be a bad Catholic and co-habit with him. I would rather not, but if the fallout from announcing something that should be joyful proves more nuclear than squee, living with Mr. Serrano might not be such a bad idea. I really hope that its not a sin… Mr. Serrano and I won’t be having sex…but I will be saving my sanity. I suppose we could even have separate rooms, and introduce someone else to the house so that there is more accountability (and less rent to pay).